How To Be A Fat F*ck, And Annoying, And Still Get Laid

It is possible, young Jedi. I can endeavor to explain.

This post, which might be good or entirely cringe-worthy, came about at the intersection of two concepts:

1. Last week, someone I was talking to who is a “big deal” here on Medium said, “The site could use some more how-to content for things people are uncomfortable openly discussing.” Nodding.
2. About 11–12 years ago, in Vegas at a bachelor party, a then-decent friend of mine (the last time we had a longer discussion at this point was 17 months ago) told me, in a beautiful half-praise/half-insult moment that underscores so many male friendships: “You really do pull some quality ass, all things considered.”

If you can ignore the “quality ass” comment and realize we were day-drunk in Vegas when he said that to me, we can now move on.

When he said it, I was actually dating my ex-wife, who I would personally classify as “attractive.” I am sure many chuds online could find reasons to call her “mid,” as you can find with almost any woman ever created under the image of God, but I’d go ahead and say she was solid. That relationship didn’t work out, for various and sundry reasons including my own problems, but still. All good there.

Since that comment, I was with her, then we broke up, then I had a “sexual napalm” fling, then I had 2–3 other flings, and then I started up with my wife. I think somewhere in there, I also had a Match.com date in a TCU common area with a woman who might have been biologically born a man, so you can also take this entire thing with a grain of salt.

In recent years, there has been much Internet discourse around the idea of a high-value man. Typically when a young woman says this, she means a guy that makes good money and can provide for her in several ways, allowing for what right-wing chuds would call “a cushy email job” or not working at all, with the implication of the latter meaning breed a bunch of babies for/with him. Gender wars have reached a fever pitch.

The high-value man discussion is also sometimes crassly-framed as:

• Six feet
• Six figures
• Six inches