What happens if “when” just gradually has to become “if?”

I would venture that one of the more painful personal and emotional transitions we go through as humans is the when {something will happen} to if {something will happen} transition. There are literally hundreds of examples of this possibility, including:

• Kids
• Marriage, relationships
• Promotions, work advancement
• The Rona virus

When you have to change your thinking on a topic from “when” to “if,” it can pretty powerfully adjust who you are. Let’s do an example through the kids prism.

“When we have kids…”

I got married (I am no longer married) in March 2013. I grew up in what some would describe as “upper middle class” in New York City. I didn’t have any cliched Southern approach to family-building, and my parents had me (I am an only child) late — my dad was 40. That said, I think I had the general notion, from observing my friends and just middle-class market existence, that I would get married and then, poof, eventually there would be kids within 1–2 years or something. That’s like, how it works, right?

Well, obviously for millions of people that’s not how it works, but my ex and I never really “tried.” We had discussed it a bunch, and we “tried” for maybe…