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Trying To Turn Away From Anger
Best I can remember or infer, I’ve always been kind of an angry, depression-prone person, even back to aspects of childhood. I assume there are dozens of reasons for this, maybe six to eight of which I’ve properly unpacked or figured out over the years, but now I am squarely middle-aged. I turn 44 a month from today. If you asked me at 22 or 27 or even 35 to define my life at 44, it wouldn't have looked that similar to how it actually is. I have good things and people in my life, absolutely. I have been on some cool trips, even in the past 18 months.
The infertility stuff weighs on me, both in terms of wanting that for my wife and wanting the inexperience for myself. That has caused resentment and anger over the years. 2021 and 2022 were probably some of my angriest years on that topic, without a doubt. I still write about it, and I think some people still assume there’s a resentment or anger or bitterness therein. In reality, I have mostly moved on from that discussion and realize that while it sucks, it was apparently supposed to be part of my specific story.
I also spent years and years just drinking to excess to escape real emotion and as a way to process. I don’t drink right now. I hope not to for a while. But I did spend years doing that constantly, and…
