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The Velvet (Gold?) Handcuffs Of “Similar Life Stage”
If you’re unfamiliar with these general terms, “gold handcuffs” — which are sometimes referred to as “velvet handcuffs,” although the latter sounds more sexual — means that you reached a position in your job where you really don’t like working there anymore, and frankly the entire thing depresses you, but … and this is an important “but” … you make really good money and/or are vested/have equity, so you cannot leave for the good of your family. It’s definitely not slavery, because of the good money, but it’s a kind of emotional indentured servitude. You march in place and cannot break free because of vague notions of needing to be a “provider.” A lot of guys who would rather tinker with cars all day or start an e-commerce shop for refurbished video game consoles cannot, because of velvet/gold handcuffs.
There is a similar concept in adult friendship. I was just talking to my friend yesterday, over a burrito that later made me physically ill, about this idea. You get into a neighborhood, and maybe (probably?) you have kids. Your kids go to X-school, either in-neighborhood or nearby. Your kids are involved in Y-sporting activities. You become friends with the parents of kids at that school and in those activities, because of (a) repeated interactions and (b) “similar life stage.” It is nearly impossible — although beautifully it does happen — for both the man and the woman (or woman/woman, man/man) in a relationship to like both of the other partners. I’ve been married twice and I’ve been part of dozens of couples friends deals. I would say both people genuinely liking both other people happens maybe 3 times out of 10.
We talk a lot about friendship and connection and the decline of these things relative to mobile phones and all that, but the real tea on (at least American) friendship is that many adult Americans don’t prioritize friendship, and they just default to these velvet handcuffs of “similar life stage.”
