The three buckets of advice you get during a lengthier fertility journey

My wife and I did IVF (a first cycle) starting about February 13th and learning sometime later on Friday that it didn’t seem to “take,” i.e. work. I can’t answer what’s next for you, exactly — I can probably answer that in a few weeks, but it’s a complicated dance of emotion, finance, and trying to understand data that everyone has a theory on but no one minus about 5,000 doctors truly understands — but I can tell you what the experience of “failure” or “delayed success” in this moment is like.

If you want some context before we start, I’m 41 and I’ve been divorced before. When I got divorced, about five years ago, I generally considered that my path to potential biological fatherhood was over. I figured it was completely done. Then I met K, and over time I thought there was a sliver of hope back. She’s 33. I would say almost all her friends, minus two-three close ones, have between 1 and 3 kids. Since I’ve lived with her, she’s probably been to 65 baby showers, if not more than that. I don’t know if I would call that “pressure,” but is it a constant element of life for a 33 year-old woman? Yes. Most dudes by 41 have a few kids in middle school, and are just grateful to get out the house for a few IPAs, so it’s a little different on my age and gender side. Still, it’s something I think about consistently.