The Relatively Messy Business Of Disliking Yourself

From fertility to friendship and back again, it’s a cobblestone road on a bike sometimes in adulthood.

Tough one to start writing, because the easiest rebuttal is always going to be something around “accountability.” I’ve definitely had periods of more and less accountability to self and others, which I think is another way of saying “I am a human being.” Most of the biggest chest-puffers re: accountability, especially in a white-collar work sense, are not actually that accountable to anyone, most especially their employees. Usually, of course, these people end up in middle management.

As for my own journey, I’ve said it a few times in different blogs here, but I got divorced in ’17 and I think for a few years with that I was just on autopilot trying to survive and not get drunk and drive my car into a tree and make the income needed to pay rent and bills and bar tabs and go see other friends in other places once in a while. I was moderately successful at doing these things from about 2017–2019, then COVID readjusted society for a second, and I got remarried, and mostly since then I’ve been trying to be a good husband + in this fertility struggle. So, it’s been a weird ride. I’ve been freelance for a lot of this time, although I’ve had a few full-time gigs in…