Self-compassion vs. self-esteem

Is either one more important?

I actually originally wrote this in October 2014. Oddly and interestingly, I have many of the same problems.

I went to a wedding this past weekend in North Carolina. It was a great, majestic, soaring wedding — in a way, aren’t they all? — and by and large, I had a very good time. It was with probably my central crew of friends at this stage in my life (although I don’t live geographically near any of them at present), although the actual bride (my connection) and groom (met him when I got in Friday) I probably know less well. (The bride is good friends with my friends from living in New York City, although she left New York City before I started hanging out with this group. That’s all a long way of saying that this woman’s wedding was probably the fourth time I ever hung out with her.)

Like I said, I had a good time — although Friday night I was a little bit depressed. People were coming in at different times and schedules were hard to coordinate initially, and sometimes when that happens, I start thinking about other aspects of my life where things are hard to click (like work, by and large). When that happens, I can go to a semi-dark place (or depressive place) about how I feel about myself and what I’ve accomplished and how I relate back to other people. I think about this stuff a lot. On the way to the airport yesterday, I was talking with my wife about maybe seeing a cognitive psychologist as the holidays approach — and into 2015. I’m not sure I will, although it’s something I have been thinking about. I suppose an initial visit or couple of visits couldn’t necessarily hurt.

See, my problems with therapy experiences in the past have been that they often seem too based on the past. For example, I don’t come from a perfect family. (News flash: no one does.) I’ve spent so much time in therapy talking about things that happened when I was 5, or 6, or 12. I understand those things, you know? I’m 33 now (and 34 in a couple of weeks). I want to know more about how to take the embedded experiences from when I was 6, move forward or around them, and optimize my life now. I feel like therapy (at least for me) has too much to do with re-analyzing the past. I’ve done that, and I think I understand how it’s created some limitations in me. Now I want to…