Nautica Malone And The Need For Perpetual Internet Discourse

Another sad link in the chain of humanity, it seems.

If you have not seen this story yet, let me set it up for you: in Tempe, Arizona there is a coffee chain called “Bikini Beans.” It is what you’d expect. You get coffee served by a woman in a bikini. Disruptive, eh? Well, apparently in late 2024, some guy rolled up to a Bikini Beans location (I am unsure if there are multiple locations at this point) and exposed himself. As such, the staff was on alert, and in being alert, it appears another man — a younger one, named Nautica Malone — had pulled up a couple of times in a similar dick-exposed situation. He did so in January 2025 and a manager was at the drive-through window recording him.

If you’re scoring at home, this is basically a classic “this is what mobile phone tech being readily available did to us” story. In 1993, this would be a page B11 in the newspaper headline of “Man exposes himself at coffee shop.” But because this manager at Bikini Beans uploaded it, and then some other big accounts ran with it, now Nautica Malone was viral. (And not for good reasons.) Thusly, he called his brother to “roll up” and told him to meet him at a dispensary somewhere in another Arizona city (not Tempe). Then he wasn’t answering calls to clarify location, so the brother called Nautica’s…