Motherhood, But On YOUR Terms

Here’s another thing we don’t discuss enough.

I’ll give you some context and background to start: I was married to someone from 2013 to 2017. We kinda “tried” to have kids, but not really with any effort or planning. We got divorced and that ship sailed. I really did want to be a dad, and eventually I found myself in a new relationship. We got married in 2020. We’ve been “trying” — this is the most basic white person thing to say, IMHO — for kids for about 4.7 years, including two rounds of IVF. Nothing yet. This is perhaps the greatest source of depression for me since COVID. Gradually, you learn to care less, especially about the “We weren’t even trying!” or “Ooops we did it again!” people, but you know, I’d be lying to you if I said it was always easy. It’s not.

As such, my views around motherhood get all fucked up and skewed sometimes, see here for one example, probably because I feel sad and shameful about not helping a woman who wants to be a mom “get there.” It’s complex emotional territory that most men never have to think about or deal with, so there are not many outlets except writing, breathing, gyms, and double IPAs. The last one works in a pinch, but not really the best idea.

At the same time as all this has happened, I had considered adoption and fostering a few times, right? Usually my wife shut…