Most people have a very specific emotional bar they can reach

I’ve thought about this issue consistently for about five years now. I got divorced in March of 2017; no one really reached out to me very much, which at the time was super saddening. About a year later, my cousin actually told me — via Instagram DM of all places — that my “entire family hated me” and I was looking for “too much pity” over getting divorced. Dunno about that per se. I just wanted someone to text me and say “How are you doing?” I don’t think that’s too much to ask, but I also know the common refrain in these situations is “I didn’t know what to say,” which is inherently a bullshit excuse but nonetheless one that many hide behind.

Over these last four years, then, I’ve thought about this almost daily. How should you think about the tough moments, and what are the expectations of friendship in those moments? We all know what the expectations are in the big moments — marriage, engagement, new baby, photo of you walking on a beach with your three kids, etc. The “expectation” therein is pretty low. Hit “like” on the photo and comment about “such a beautiful family.” Easy. Takes a few seconds, if that.

But what if someone posts about divorce, or a miscarriage, or struggling with sobriety? (I’ve posted about 2 of these 3 things.) What is the expectation then?