Infertility: What It Feels Like To Not Be Able To Do “The One Thing”

The emotional and the physical of these moments

The general context

Just to get this one out of the way up top: not sure I’m “infertile,” but I have limited avenues of fertility, and it’s largely because I didn’t take care of myself very well in my 30s. Might still happen naturally, might not, and other avenues might be pursued, be that IVF or adoption or foster. This is life, and it’s also life smacking you in the face (and/or genitals). Let me see if I can illustrate some of this for you.

1. This will probably sound either very selfish or very basic, or potentially both, but one of the concerns — and I’ve heard this from females with fertility issues, or those who had miscarriages — is that it’s easy to look around and see a bunch of downer dads who make you think “Why does he get to do it, and not me?” Literally every time I am in a bar/restaurant and see kids running around and the dude on his iPad, or the dude telling his wife “Leave me alone, golf is on” as the kids throw rocks at each other (seen this), I want to scream. Why impregnate someone that you don’t respect with something you don’t appear to want? Now, I also don’t know what those guys are like back at the ranch. They may be great.
2. You start to think a lot about box-checking vs. living your life. In a time with 7.7 billion people and climate threats and income inequality and a massive amount of unloved children, you wonder: What is the “right reason” to have a kid? I don’t know if anyone has the true answer to that question. Some would go with religion, some with love, some because “it’s what people do in this time frame,” some to keep up with the Joneses, etc. It leads you down a lot of transcendent life discussions and realities, sometimes with yourself, and sometimes with others.
3. It’s hard and it makes you feel small, like you’re not a real man. You cannot provide. You cannot provide a big thing that your partner wants.
4. It’s hard because guys don’t really talk openly about stuff like this. If I discussed it with my dad, I’d get nowhere. I’ve texted a few friends here and there about it, and I tend to get nothing. There’s maybe 1–2 exceptions to that. Guys are not generally…