“A Subjectively Meaningful Existence”

Let’s talk a little bit about experiential appreciation.

I am never quite sure whether my life is awesome, middling, or a complete trash heap. On different days I can lean different ways. Most of my recent shit (half-decade or so) is colored by infertility, which breaks you in different ways. It can make you feel like your life isn’t meaningful, when in fact there are many definitions and contexts around “meaning,” and “impregnating someone” isn’t necessarily the thing, even though lots of people (esp. a certain class of guy) will tell you it’s the only thing, ya know? So that’s a me problem. We don’t need to get deeply into that.

If you read my stuff semi-regularly or even glance at it, you might know that my dad died about a month ago. I honestly wouldn’t even classify this period as “grief,” because my mom is still alive and she’s 1,300 miles away and she’s non-digital in a world that mostly requires digital, and she has mobility issues, so — I basically transitioned into “logistical man” role with some periods of ugly crying, absolutely. I think that will wash over me later, when more stuff is logistically complete. I’m unclear still when that might be, although the “big things” of his estate and his, to borrow an old-timey term, “papers” are mostly done.